Oh dear brother,

You broke my fucking heart.

I miss you. I miss the little boy that lit up the room, the boy that could make anyone laugh. I miss watching you play soccer. I miss the lazy days at grandma and grandpa’s. I miss taking our dogs for walks with you. I miss riding in the car with you. I miss watching movies with you. I miss having someone to talk to about anything, someone who knows everything about my life. I miss our inside jokes and our childhood memories, I miss retelling stories with you. I miss all the little things. I miss the person I grew up with. I miss those days when I used to look up to you, when I thought you were the greatest person on earth.

You used to be my favorite person in the world. I used to idolize you. You used to be the only person that could cheer me up no matter what. Now you are the reason for all my tears and my broken heart. You traumatized me. You abused me: Verbally, emotionally, and  physically. I used to have a lovely heart, but now at age 19, I am afraid to love anyone or anything, because you destroyed my sense of trust and faith. You made me scared of life, of people, of men, of love. I don’t think you realized how much I loved you, how much you meant to me… and then you destroyed me and hurt me beyond repair. I’m scared to ever love someone half as much as I loved and adored you. You showed me that those who you love the most have the most power to hurt you. And they will hurt you, without hesitating.

How many sisters get Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because their brother traumatized them? Well apparently I’m one of them. That’s just fucked up.

It isn’t very fun being terrified of your brother. I haven’t slept well in two years. You are the only boy that has ever broken my heart.

Being an only child now isn’t very fun. Especially because you fucked up mom and dad too. You left me all alone. You single handedly destroyed all the best parts about me and all the things I loved most in life: My family, my brother(yes you destroyed him, and the person that used to be my brother is incapable of coming back), and my capability to love and trust others.

I just wish I could have the heart that I had before all this happened. Because I used to care so much and love so much, and forgive with an open heart. If I had the heart I used to have before you fucked me up, I would forgive you. But I don’t have that heart anymore, and I don’t think I can ever forgive you. My heart will never recover from what you did.

Your eyes scare me now. I’m terrified to look into them. I don’t recognize the person behind those eyes.

I have nightmares about you coming back into my life. That is literally the nightmare; that you are back in my life. Your presence is the scariest thing I can imagine at the moment.

I miss you so much and I hate you so much and I love you so much.