I don’t know how I feel anymore.

I don’t think about him very often, yet I feel the presence of him and his addiction everywhere I go.

I feel the sadness, I see the effects, I take the anxiety pill every morning.

 

It has just been so long… all of the pain and the worst moments were so long ago.

It has been so long since things were normal.

It has been so long since he was a good older brother,

Since he’s been in my life.

 

Sometimes I forget that we used to be close.

I forget how much I looked up to him

I almost forget how devastated I was when he fell from grace.

 

Its easy to push memories deep back, but it’s hard to forget feelings.

The feeling of my heart sinking,

Gasping for air,

The dull burn on my arm,

The sting on my cheek,

The sadness behind my eyes.

 

I have grown and changed and moved so far forward with my life,

But the pain is still there,

Not only in the past,

But it makes itself known in the present too.

A nightmare,

A bad memory,

A thought,

A trigger.

 

It will never go away, it will always be there

And I will always be running forward, faster and faster

Away from the pain and into a new life.

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