Sibling of a drug addict

a reflection upon being the sibling of a drug addict

It’s hard to forget feelings — February 27, 2017

It’s hard to forget feelings

I don’t know how I feel anymore.

I don’t think about him very often, yet I feel the presence of him and his addiction everywhere I go.

I feel the sadness, I see the effects, I take the anxiety pill every morning.

 

It has just been so long… all of the pain and the worst moments were so long ago.

It has been so long since things were normal.

It has been so long since he was a good older brother,

Since he’s been in my life.

 

Sometimes I forget that we used to be close.

I forget how much I looked up to him

I almost forget how devastated I was when he fell from grace.

 

Its easy to push memories deep back, but it’s hard to forget feelings.

The feeling of my heart sinking,

Gasping for air,

The dull burn on my arm,

The sting on my cheek,

The sadness behind my eyes.

 

I have grown and changed and moved so far forward with my life,

But the pain is still there,

Not only in the past,

But it makes itself known in the present too.

A nightmare,

A bad memory,

A thought,

A trigger.

 

It will never go away, it will always be there

And I will always be running forward, faster and faster

Away from the pain and into a new life.

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Missing — March 7, 2016

Missing

I still miss my brother

And i’ll be missing him forever

I’m no longer angry or tormented.

I don’t resent him, or at least not as much as I used to.

 

I just miss him

I miss him a whole lot

 

It’s incredibly strange that I haven’t seen him in nearly 17 months.

I never would have thought I’d go so long without seeing him

I never knew that I could go so long without seeing him

It makes me so sad to think that I very may well never see him again

 

At the end of the day when I get over all the pain he caused, I’m only left with the sadness of his absence.

The gaping hole that was once filled with such a lively person

What if my brother wasn’t a drug addict… — August 3, 2015

What if my brother wasn’t a drug addict…

I often wonder what it would be like to have a normal brother. I wonder how things would be if he was not an addict.

What if he had gone away to college in a different state,

And graduated with a nice degree,

And meet a pretty girl,

And got a job,

And lived a normal life.

I wonder what it would feel like to be proud of my older brother,

To admire him,

To visit his home and exchange pleasantries with his wife,

To spend Christmas with him,

To seek him out for life advice.

I wonder what I would be like if my brother had not destroyed my love for the world.

I wonder what it would be like to not be afraid of my brother, to not flinch every time his name is brought up, to not feel uncomfortable in his presence.

I wonder how are family would be…

My mother would be younger at heart, less aged, less tired, less stressed.

My dad would take more ownership of my brother as his son.

My grandparents would be happier to hear about other people’s grandsons.

All of the would’ve’s overrun my thoughts, but there are some things that I know for certain.

I will never know what it would be like to spend Christmas together when we are old, all together at mom and dad’s house.

I can never get drunk with him.

I will never trust him fully.

That uneasiness in my stomach will never go away.

I will never stop worrying about him.

I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

I can’t really remember how he used to be before becoming a drug addict,

And I will never know what he is like as a normal person in the future,

Because he will always be an addict.

He may be clean for long periods of time,

But he will always be a recovering addict.

He will always be recovering, but never fully recovered.

It will never go away.

And I will never know my brother as a non-addict again in my lifetime.

The addiction will always be there, lurking in the shadows, casting weariness upon our relationship and our lives.