Sibling of a drug addict

a reflection upon being the sibling of a drug addict

It’s hard to forget feelings — February 27, 2017

It’s hard to forget feelings

I don’t know how I feel anymore.

I don’t think about him very often, yet I feel the presence of him and his addiction everywhere I go.

I feel the sadness, I see the effects, I take the anxiety pill every morning.

 

It has just been so long… all of the pain and the worst moments were so long ago.

It has been so long since things were normal.

It has been so long since he was a good older brother,

Since he’s been in my life.

 

Sometimes I forget that we used to be close.

I forget how much I looked up to him

I almost forget how devastated I was when he fell from grace.

 

Its easy to push memories deep back, but it’s hard to forget feelings.

The feeling of my heart sinking,

Gasping for air,

The dull burn on my arm,

The sting on my cheek,

The sadness behind my eyes.

 

I have grown and changed and moved so far forward with my life,

But the pain is still there,

Not only in the past,

But it makes itself known in the present too.

A nightmare,

A bad memory,

A thought,

A trigger.

 

It will never go away, it will always be there

And I will always be running forward, faster and faster

Away from the pain and into a new life.

Missing — March 7, 2016

Missing

I still miss my brother

And i’ll be missing him forever

I’m no longer angry or tormented.

I don’t resent him, or at least not as much as I used to.

 

I just miss him

I miss him a whole lot

 

It’s incredibly strange that I haven’t seen him in nearly 17 months.

I never would have thought I’d go so long without seeing him

I never knew that I could go so long without seeing him

It makes me so sad to think that I very may well never see him again

 

At the end of the day when I get over all the pain he caused, I’m only left with the sadness of his absence.

The gaping hole that was once filled with such a lively person

my thoughts on sibling relationships and addiction — June 8, 2015

my thoughts on sibling relationships and addiction

The thing is no one really cares about the sibling of the drug addict. No one pays attention to how horrific the ordeal is for the sibling. I don’t mean this in a self pitying way, it is simply a fact. People tend to forget about the sibling, and they tend to overlook the significance of sibling relationships. No one really understands how painful it is to watch your sibling self-destruct and become unrecognizable. For me it was as if my brother had died, because the person I knew growing up completely disappeared, as the drugs turned him into a monster. Not only did I loose the person who was once my brother, but I had to deal with the abuse from the drug addict who now resided inside of my brother’s body. It was so painful to watch my older brother who was once so full of joy become gaunt and unrecognizable. Loosing a sibling to addiction is so unfair, because the person may still be there physically, but their personality is completely changed. They go in and out of rehab again and again, on and off the streets, and in and out of your life. You loose them over and over again.

During one of the many periods of time that my brother spent on the streets and I thought he was going to die, I came across these quotes that perfectly described how I felt about loosing my sibling:

“…losing a sibling is oftentimes much harder for a person than losing any other member of the family. A sibling represents a person’s past, present, and future. Spouses have each other, and even when one eventually dies, they have memories of a time when they existed before that other person and can more readily imagine a life without them. Likewise, parents may have other children to be concerned with–a future to protect for them. To lose a sibling is to lose the one person with whom one shares a lifelong bond that is meant to continue on into the future.” – John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back

“Not only had my brother disappeared…a part of my very being had gone with him. Stories about us could, from then on, be told from only one perspective. Memories could be told but not shared.” – John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back

Loosing my brother to drugs (although he is still alive, the brother I once knew is gone forever) has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and has caused me immeasurable amounts of pain and heartache. I honestly feel like part of my identity was lost when I lost my brother.